10) Boys 2 Men, I’ll make love to you

Okay, here’s the pitch, a guy meets a woman in a bar and his whole promise is that he’ll have sex with her. Not ‘Let’s talk, establish a rapport, and consider whether we’ll like each other’ but more ‘Hey lets have sex, I’ll even do it in your favourite positions, bring the fur suit, I’m open minded.’

9) Jim Reeves, But you love me daddy

Not all love is about romantic relationships. That said, this song is perhaps the creepiest song in history – a full grown woman singing like a little girl while full grown man plays the stern father. It has got more pedophilic undertones than a crate full of Catholic priests.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Where the wild roses grow

Nick Cave is noted for his more morbid songs, and this one fits right in. Even though it is on purpose, the tone fits right in with a lot of love songs and it is all fun and games until her brains are decorating a rock.

7) Sting, Every breath you take

Yeah we all saw the movie, and how many of us paid attention to the fact that the song starts off sounding like a promise of revenge and then delves into pure stalker? ‘Keep you feet on the straight and narrow because I’m watching you’ shortly followed by ‘Wear the naughty negligee because I’m watching you’ – eugh.

6) Duran Duran, Hungry like the wolf

I think I just realised that Stephanie Meyer was ripping off Duran Duran. She just added sparkly vampires for shits and giggles.

5) Jay Hawkins, I put a spell on you

While the prior songs desired the object of their stalking, this song simply wants to up and own it so it can kill it and make a dress out of its skin. Possibly while dancing around a fire chanting incantations which are supposed to be magical, but are mostly gibberish. It is obsessive, warped and creepy

4) Rick Astley, Never gonna give you up

You may know this song from the Click here for Julius Malema getting attacked by an angry Nandos chicken  meme or not. A pledge of undying persistence a less than appealing image to love, and more an annoyance to swat.

3) U2, Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill Me

The story is essentially a hitman in love with a target who stole some money from the mob – and now he is going to hunt her down and kill her or sleep with her. It is not entirely clear which, or that the two states are mutually exclusive.

2) Kenny Rogers, Ruby

Even if it rhymes you don’t describe war as a patriotic chore – particularly if you lost your legs in it. The whole plot of the song is a paraplegic pleading with his wife to not go schtumping everything in sight now that he can no longer walk. Of course the fact that he can’t walk is about the only reason he hasn’t shot her yet. Somehow one stops feeling sorry for the guy at that point. The Gambler and good fried chicken forgive all ills, but this song stretches that.

1) The Beatles, Run for your life

The number one item on the list – and it’s the Beatles with a death threat. It treats relationships a bit like Nietzsche treats politics, all you need is love, but when that runs out fear is a perfectly respectable substitute. This is the song that happens if you make the mistake of dating. I’ll be watching you.